[sticky post]THIS JOURNAL IS 90% LOCKED

I never spell check anymore because there is no right way to put this into words. I replace every dot with a comma to restart every end I stupidly wrote. I retrace all exclamation marks into question ones in hopes to find an answer I’d finally like. I talk in present tenses nowadays, and isn’t it appropriate: the way this shit did not pass, the way it will always come back, like daily fix of coffee I can’t skip, like the ludicrous promises God can’t keep?

They say be careful of adjectives. Come on, now, what has gotten you so scared of adjectives? Because apparently they’re convenient and these days people tend to look for troubles and call them challenges to make themselves look a smidge smarter with cooler edges. Pretentious shit is what I call them. I will use all the adjectives I want: distressed, defeated, dejected, and isn’t it fascinating: the way a verb turns into an adjective; the way your active voice becomes someone else’s passive voice?

Language is nowhere near beautiful, but I do think it’s the most hopeful thing I've encountered. You use verb one to describe something that happens; verb two to recount something that happened; verb three to reminisce something that had happened. We call it the present, the past, the perfect past, and isn’t it reassuring: the way your present will someday become your past and eventually your perfect past?


an ode to Chester: in the end, it does matter

For Chester, with love and gratitude.Collapse )


Woes of the Sunflower

Hello, little sun. Allow me to speak to you through written words instead of spoken ones, because you’re too bright that it blinds me sometimes. My eyes are trained to witness dark dreary stuffs, not used to see a blazing one right in the buff. But here it goes, baby: don’t be too nice to me, it makes me weak and peachy. You make me believe for one second that hey, maybe this world is not so bad, maybe life doesn’t have to be this hard, and maybe I can finally enjoy life without tiptoeing on bloody glass shards. But I knew better; it never works like that

Hey, sunrise, let me tell you the meaning of my name. It is “Knowledge” and “The Eternal Flower”. You would expect me to be a kind of gracious, delicate person who can answer all your questions about anything in this life, afterlife and beyond. But there are some days when the only knowledge I can recall is the tragic fact that I love you, and the only flower I could ever be is the woeful Sunflower, who can only stare at and follow the sun’s flare, who tries its damn best to rise higher, yearning to touch the gleaming sun. But this is how it ends: the sun will always be there, staying within sight, generously emitting warmth, but forever unreachable.

I’m not into pain, handsome, but if it’s all you’re willing to give me, then I’ll take it. Don’t you worry about me because I can handle the heat. Just do your thing and burn, baby. Burn, burn, burn as bright as you want, as hot as you can be. Don’t hold back, because you know I’ll gladly bask in your blaze and wear the burn with pride. I’ll bare my burnt skin, shouting from the highest point of the earth that hey, fuckers, I have been touched by the sun. And the God itself shall envy me.

Dear My Future Partner
Mimpiku bersamamu sungguh sederhana.
Bahagia di kamusku sungguh biasa.
Aku tak mau banyak drama,
tak butuh kata-kata apalagi harta.
Aku cuma ingin canda tawa,
diskusi hangat yang terbuka;
bertukar cerita tentang dunia dan maknanya.
Tak perlu kamu beri segalanya.
Aku sudah puas dengan 'secukupnya'.
Selama kamu tak bermain dengan rasa,
atau memalsukan fakta yang disebut dusta.
Selama kamu tak mengaturku dengan kata,
apalagi jika tangan kakimu ikut bicara.
Jangan anggap aku ini milikmu semata
yang bisa dimainkan dan dipoles layaknya boneka.
Jangan pikir aku mudah pecah seperti kaca.
Jangan pikir aku kuat seperti baja.
Perlakukan saja aku sebagaimana mestinya:
Jangan hargai aku karena aku wanita.
Hargai aku karena aku ini manusia.
Maka aku akan menghormatimu
karena kamu juga manusia.
Bukan karena kamu pria.
Itu saja.


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