[sticky post]THIS JOURNAL IS 90% LOCKED

an ode to Chester: in the end, it does matter

For Chester, with love and gratitude.Collapse )


Woes of the Sunflower

Hello, little sun. Allow me to speak to you through written words instead of spoken ones, because you’re too bright that it blinds me sometimes. My eyes are trained to witness dark dreary stuffs, not used to see a blazing one right in the buff. But here it goes, baby: don’t be too nice to me, it makes me weak and peachy. You make me believe for one second that hey, maybe this world is not so bad, maybe life doesn’t have to be this hard, and maybe I can finally enjoy life without tiptoeing on bloody glass shards. But I knew better; it never works like that

Hey, sunrise, let me tell you the meaning of my name. It is “Knowledge” and “The Eternal Flower”. You would expect me to be a kind of gracious, delicate person who can answer all your questions about anything in this life, afterlife and beyond. But there are some days when the only knowledge I can recall is the tragic fact that I love you, and the only flower I could ever be is the woeful Sunflower, who can only stare at and follow the sun’s flare, who tries its damn best to rise higher, yearning to touch the gleaming sun. But this is how it ends: the sun will always be there, staying within sight, generously emitting warmth, but forever unreachable.

I’m not into pain, handsome, but if it’s all you’re willing to give me, then I’ll take it. Don’t you worry about me because I can handle the heat. Just do your thing and burn, baby. Burn, burn, burn as bright as you want, as hot as you can be. Don’t hold back, because you know I’ll gladly bask in your blaze and wear the burn with pride. I’ll bare my burnt skin, shouting from the highest point of the earth that hey, fuckers, I have been touched by the sun. And the God itself shall envy me.

Dear My Future Partner
Mimpiku bersamamu sungguh sederhana.
Bahagia di kamusku sungguh biasa.
Aku tak mau banyak drama,
tak butuh kata-kata apalagi harta.
Aku cuma ingin canda tawa,
diskusi hangat yang terbuka;
bertukar cerita tentang dunia dan maknanya.
Tak perlu kamu beri segalanya.
Aku sudah puas dengan 'secukupnya'.
Selama kamu tak bermain dengan rasa,
atau memalsukan fakta yang disebut dusta.
Selama kamu tak mengaturku dengan kata,
apalagi jika tangan kakimu ikut bicara.
Jangan anggap aku ini milikmu semata
yang bisa dimainkan dan dipoles layaknya boneka.
Jangan pikir aku mudah pecah seperti kaca.
Jangan pikir aku kuat seperti baja.
Perlakukan saja aku sebagaimana mestinya:
Jangan hargai aku karena aku wanita.
Hargai aku karena aku ini manusia.
Maka aku akan menghormatimu
karena kamu juga manusia.
Bukan karena kamu pria.
Itu saja.

“Ignorance is bliss.”

I was not saying it just for the heck of it when I set up my LiveJournal account. Sometimes it’s better to be clueless, not to be aware of a particular thing because otherwise, your take on the matter will never be the same. You’re no longer able to see a certain object or subject with the same rose-colored lenses.


1. Attitudes or behavior based on traditional stereotypes of gender roles.

2. Discrimination or devaluation based on a person's sex or gender,
as inrestricted job opportunities, especially such discrimination directed against women.

3. Ingrained and institutionalized prejudice against or hatred of women; misogyny.

The term ‘sexism’ might be a mere detached concept to some people, but it’s something that is so close to home for me. I know what sexism does to people. To me, in particular. I am not fully satisfied with my life because of a thing called ‘sexism’. It disgusts me. Even the word alone can bring tears in my eyes. Call me exaggerating, call me dramatic, but it’s real. Sexism is real, and it has become a valid cause to an effect.

Not many can understand the severity of it; how serious and important it is. How much damage it can do to someone. Mainly, people just dismiss it as something that is normal, something that you should live up for. Girls should do this and that, guys should do this and that. But it’s really more than that.

The thing is, nobody would bat en eyelash if a girl does a guy’s thing.

A girl wearing pants? Whatever.
A girl working to put food on the table? She’s a strong woman.
A girl lifting weights or play sports? She’s athletic.
A girl having abs and toned arms? She’s sexy.
A girl going to the gym every weekend? She’s conscious of her health.
A girl taking Machine Engineering major? She’s hella smart.

But look,
What if a guy is wearing a skirt? He’s a sissy.
A guy staying at home cleaning the house? He’s a failure.
A guy learning to crochet? He’s an embarrassment.
A guy taking a ballet class? He’s a pussy.

Do you see a pattern here?
Why, when a girl is doing something that is strongly associated to guys, she would be seen as this cool, strong woman, but when a guy is doing something that is strongly associated to women, he is suddenly seen as a failure, an embarrassment, a sad excuse of a ‘man’.

Do you know what it means?
It means: when a girl is doing both guy’s duties and girl’s duties, people won’t say much against it. But the weird thing is, a guy somehow should only do what guys are ‘supposed’ to do. God forbid he does something even remotely connected to girls.

Again, what does it entail?
In real case, if a woman is working full hour to feed a family, when she gets home, she would still be demanded to sweep and mop the floor, wash the dishes, do the laundry, and take care of the bills. Even though her spine feels like breaking apart, even if she’s one second away from collapsing, even if she cries blood, the guy will never give a shit, because ‘hey, that’s your duty not mine.’

Okay, but why is he not saying anything when I work my ass off to feed his mouth? Because, if he's choosing to go with the ‘duty’ route, he's the one who’s supposed to go out there and bring food to the table; to be the frigging breadwinner, not me. Why did he not say anything, then?

Yeah, because apparently guy’s duty is something honorable to do. Like, I should be proud that I’m a working woman, not ashamed (and hell yeah I’m not ashamed). But I’m heavily disturbed that a girl’s duty is seen as weak, embarrassing, and just make a man feel ‘less’. Less what, I wonder? Less ‘manly’, I guess? Fucking bullshit.

What does make a man ‘manly’ anyway? Who decided it? Yes, SEXISM is the culprit.

Look, a working woman should never be seen as something exceptionally amazing. Why can’t it be something normal? As something a girl just does, because that’s what humans do: humans work to survive. And guys cleaning the house should never be seen as something exceptionally degrading. It’s a normal thing to do, goddammit. Your house is dirty. So you fucking clean it, you dumbass. Why do you have to wait for your wife to come back so she could clean it for you when you are the one who’s home the whole day, dirtying the house.

You hungry? You eat.
But there’s no food? Then you cook.
You sleepy? You sleep.
But your bed is dirty? Then you clean it up.
Why does nobody understand this very simple concept?

Because you’ve been doctrine, that’s why. By your family, by the society at large, by your religion, you name it.

I don’t buy bullshit. I do not believe in something that doesn’t make sense. I refuse to follow a rule that makes me miserable. But you’ll be rewarded if you’re willing to suffer in God’s name. Bullshit. If I do have a God, if God does exist, I do not believe such Mighty being could be that petty and manipulative. It’s like how your parents told you that you’d be given an ice cream if you went to the dentist with no fuss. Why didn’t the parents just explain using a simple language that going to the dentist was urgent because otherwise your teeth would rot and if you had rotten teeth you couldn’t eat and you would die.

So, when I ask this: “why does a girl have to stay home and why does a guy have to go out earning money?”, and people answered something along the lines of: “Because God says so.” I would keel over and pull my hair out in frustration because that is not an answer.

That is not an answer. That is an excuse. A super weak one at that.

“Because the world out there is dangerous. You could be kidnapped or raped.”

Well okay, what if I learned martial arts? What if I could headlock a person twice my size and make them pass out under a minute? What, then? Does the rule still apply to me?
Besides, do you seriously think guys cannot be kidnapped or raped? Pfft.
Bottom line is: everyone is exposed to danger. Whether you are a girl or a guy does not matter.

And there are thousands more rules which I’m sure you all know about. No need to go over them one by one. But if you think about it, we girls are always blamed for everything.

If a guy rapes you, they would ask What were you wearing?
If a guy cheats on you, they would ask Did you not satisfy him enough?
If a guy hits you, they would ask What did you do that made him so angry?

Bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit.

Sexism does this. Sexism says that a girl’s role is to cater to each of a guy’s needs. So when a guy harms us, people would automatically assume that we didn’t do our ‘duties’ properly.

But when the case is turned around, let’s say a guy doesn’t provide money so the girl looks for another man who does. Nobody would blame the guy. Everybody would say the girl is not loyal enough, that the girl is materialistic, that the girl is a slut. Why? I don’t understand why. Didn’t you all say providing money is the guy’s duty? But when he fails to do it, a girl cannot leave him without being insulted and shunned for life? The joke’s on you. The shame’s on you.

If a guy lost his virginity before marriage, people said he is a real man.
If a girl lost her virginity before marriage, people said she is a bitch.

When a guy married a second wife because the first one can’t bear a child, people would say It’s the right thing to do.
What if a woman married a second husband because the first one can’t give her a child? People would say that she is, again, a bitch.

A mother tells her son: ‘don’t cry like a girl. Boys don’t cry.’ Hello, mother, guys are born with tear duct just like girls, which means boys can cry if they want to. What’s wrong with crying? Why did you say it as if it’s something weak? And if it is indeed weak, why do you connect it with girls? Yo mother, flash news: you are a girl, too.

That is just something small, yes, something that seems insignificant and harmless, but it’s always small things that would make major differences. Such phrases like ‘don’t cry like girls’ would make guys believe that they are superior to girls, that being a girl is shameful, that girls are weak because girls cry.

And girls who heard their mothers say it would believe that they are less than a man, that their place is below a man. You all create a Satan’s circle.

If you still don’t see what’s wrong in this picture that makes up our whole society, then there is something incredibly wrong with you.

What is a dream world? For me, it’s a world without sexism.

It’s a world with generalized normalcy. A girl working? That’s normal, not amazing. A guy taking ballet class? That’s normal, not weird.

There should be nothing that is considered a girl’s duty or a guy’s duty.

If such world happens, a girl will not feel arrogant just because she’s working.

If such world happens, a man will never bully a girl just because he’s too ashamed to wash the dishes.

But such world is still a long way to go, because sexism is everywhere. Closer than your jugular veins. Little phrases here and there thrown to us in songs and movies, planting ideas into our heads.

“Don’t worry about money, I will pay everything for you. You just comfortably get your groove on next to me, alright.”

“Why do you keep taking pictures on your phone like a girl?”

Small things, right? But have you ever seen a phrase in a song like, ‘Don’t curse like a man’, ‘why are you spitting like a man?’, ‘why do you keep watching porn on your phone like a man?’

The implication: everything a guy does and says are the right thing to do. Your own parents and the whole society have made you believe that guys are in higher place and, therefore, always right. Every song and movie worships men. A girl would fight another girl to get a guy’s attention. A girl simply would do anything to win a man’s heart.

‘Girls are always right’, you say? Pfft nah, it’s a sugarcoated lie, told to you by rip-off magazines. Girls are always wrong, and that’s the sad undeniable truth.

If you are a girl, you are destined to be wrong. You are given a lifetime ‘guilty sentence’ once you were born into this world.

Many wise people said being aware is the first step to everything.

I am aware now. Hyper aware, in fact.

I am no longer in bliss, because ignorance has been long gone.

But I am one step closer to make myself happier. To make my dream world happen.

A world where I am not mistreated nor get special treatments just because I am a girl.



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